As if Rocky I, II, III, IV, and V were merely meant to whet your appetite for pugilistic parable, Sylvester Stallone has announced his intention to bring Rocky VI to a cineplex near you. The former star of Rambo (and current member of AARP) is set to write, direct, and star in the next installment of the Rocky series, almost thirty years after the original hit the big screen. BBC News was kind enough to share this brief plot summary:

The new movie will show Rocky as an ageing, lonely has-been in Philadelphia who is reluctant to come out of retirement.

Judging from this rather pointed synopsis, Stallone won’t have to rely too much on his imagination when writing the screenplay.

Stallone back in ring for Rocky 6 – BBC News

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On-again, off-again, on-again, and now off-again couple of the year, Jude Law and Sienna Miller, were recently spotted arguing in the restaurant of Law’s “exclusive” Paris hotel. Miller’s ire was apparently stoked by actress Salma Hayek’s appearance at Paris hotspot Man Ray, where she and Jude “partied the night away.” The “Melrose Place”-like drama of their relationship is almost too much for Media Absurdum to handle. Here’s a quote from one of the hotel’s hyperbole-prone guests:

“It was astonishing. Sienna was screaming as she flew into the room but Jude appeared completely calm and nonchalant… she was clearly very upset.”

Thanks for the analysis, anonymous yet suspiciously articulate hotel guest.

Sienna, Jude And Salma… – Sky News via Yahoo!

Related Post(s):
Jude Law & Sienna Miller: ‘Twas Ne’er Meant to Be
Jude Law: No More Miller Time

As we pee our collective pants in anticipation of tomorrow’s announcement, Media Absurdum would like to point out that our past coverage of this topic was in keeping with current speculation. No information (to our knowledge) has claimed any other actor’s interest or recruitment for the role. That said, we still question the choice.

No one in the United States knows Daniel Craig; unlike Pierce Brosnan, he didn’t benefit from the mass exposure that accompanies nostalgia-evoking 80s adventure/drama/mystery/dramas. And you have to admit that Craig doesn’t really hold to the traditional Bond look. At an even 6′, he’s got the height, but his receding hairline and crease-riddled skin remind us more of the unpleasantness that was Timothy Dalton as Bond. A-listers are notoriously reluctant to take on the role of such a serialized character, so the decision to sign a virtual unknown shouldn’t come as a surprise. The roster of actors who turned down the part reads like a who’s who of instant rejection: Clive Owen, Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, Ewan McGregor, Eric Bana, Colin Farrell, and Heath Ledger.

Name of James Bond Star to Be Revealed – AP via Yahoo!

Jude Law & Sienna MillerAccording to the uber-reliable, hard-nosed journalists over at People.com, the last vestige of normalcy that would have been a Jude Law/Sienna Miller reconciliation was never going to happen. The weekly mag posted to their Web site earlier today an allegation that, despite Law’s relentless pursuit of forgiveness, their engagement had come to an end. Representatives from both camps refused comment.

Meanwhile, as Law remained the sole participant of a rejection-fueled sob fest, Miller was spotted with “Layer Cake” costar and James Bond front-runner Daniel Craig. Miller insists it’s nothing more than friendship, but what’s really going on, Sienna?

“There’s nothing going on between me and Daniel. We were in a movie together two years ago.”

Well, asked and answered. This unsubstantiated bit of reportage really couldn’t come at a better time; Miller’s film, “Casanova,” hits theaters next month and Law’s Oscar® buzzworthy remake of “All the King’s Men” is set for limited release this December.

Jude Law, Sienna Miller: It’s Over – People.com
Report: Jude Law, Sienna Miller end engagement – CNN.com

Related Post(s):
Jude Law: No More Miller Time

Tom Cruise & Katie HolmesMedia Absurdum was shocked and horrified (we threw up in our mouths a little) to learn that TomKat will, in nine months time, be the proud owner of the littlest Scientologist. No matter how you slice it, this is not good news. The world is already overflowing with crazy people, there’s really no need for them to make a tiny one of their very own. Here’s what Cruise’s sister/press rep/fellow Scientologist, Lee Ann DeVette, had to say about the newly prenatal couple:

“Tom and Katie are very excited, and the entire family is very excited.”

She went on to add that Holmes “has never felt better.” Let’s see how good she feels after 20 hours of labor sans epidural on the grounds that it’s “against Scientology.” And heaven forbid she succumb to postpartum depression; no one wants a repeat of Tom’s Today Show crazy-fest.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Expecting – AP via Yahoo!

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Tom & Katie: A Very Special Episode of ‘The Twilight Zone’
Five Reasons Tom Cruise is Dating Katie Holmes

The Money ‘Pitt’

October 3, 2005

Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston
The way we were

The Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt breakup saga continues to land in the shiny pages of tabloids ’round the world. This time the headline comes by way of real estate: The better-off-divorced couple has decided to put their Beverly Hills mansion on the market. For a mere $28 million, you, too can live the life of a celebrity couple whose seemingly perfect marriage is plagued by extramarital gawking and an aversion to childbirth. Nothing takes the pain away quite like a “screening room with 35mm equipment and black leather seats, Brazilian mahogany floors and an art studio with skylights.” Oh, to have lived the life of Hollywood royalty.

Pitt, Aniston selling $28 million estate – AP via MSNBC.com

Renovation Degeneration

October 1, 2005

Welcome to HellThe prospect of having anything new is fun and exciting to most. So, when MA’s landlord offered to remodel the kitchen of our small, two-bedroom New York apartment, we jumped at the chance to have the clean lines and grime-free floor a new cucina would afford.

Well, what was to have started two weeks ago started one week ago, and what was to have taken only one week to complete will now take two (at least). The incomprehensible, gut-wrenching stress this has caused is enough to make us wish we’d instead agreed to a Gigli/Showgirls double-feature.

At least we have a windowThat fan should come in handy when we start to hyperventilate

The living room no longer exists. The space has been overtaken by the unrealized superabundance of stuff we tend to collect when not paying attention, all of which has been pushed against a single wall and covered in heavy, clear plastic. It’s unusable, like some kind of tragic Christo creation sans the artistic flair and undue publicity.

Things we’re able to do: sleep, take a shower, go to the bathroom, blog.

Things we’re not able to do: watch TV, relax, prepare meals, live like human beings.

Kids, don’t try this at home.