Jude Law & Sienna MillerAccording to the uber-reliable, hard-nosed journalists over at People.com, the last vestige of normalcy that would have been a Jude Law/Sienna Miller reconciliation was never going to happen. The weekly mag posted to their Web site earlier today an allegation that, despite Law’s relentless pursuit of forgiveness, their engagement had come to an end. Representatives from both camps refused comment.

Meanwhile, as Law remained the sole participant of a rejection-fueled sob fest, Miller was spotted with “Layer Cake” costar and James Bond front-runner Daniel Craig. Miller insists it’s nothing more than friendship, but what’s really going on, Sienna?

“There’s nothing going on between me and Daniel. We were in a movie together two years ago.”

Well, asked and answered. This unsubstantiated bit of reportage really couldn’t come at a better time; Miller’s film, “Casanova,” hits theaters next month and Law’s Oscar® buzzworthy remake of “All the King’s Men” is set for limited release this December.

Jude Law, Sienna Miller: It’s Over – People.com
Report: Jude Law, Sienna Miller end engagement – CNN.com

Related Post(s):
Jude Law: No More Miller Time

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Tom Cruise & Katie HolmesMedia Absurdum was shocked and horrified (we threw up in our mouths a little) to learn that TomKat will, in nine months time, be the proud owner of the littlest Scientologist. No matter how you slice it, this is not good news. The world is already overflowing with crazy people, there’s really no need for them to make a tiny one of their very own. Here’s what Cruise’s sister/press rep/fellow Scientologist, Lee Ann DeVette, had to say about the newly prenatal couple:

“Tom and Katie are very excited, and the entire family is very excited.”

She went on to add that Holmes “has never felt better.” Let’s see how good she feels after 20 hours of labor sans epidural on the grounds that it’s “against Scientology.” And heaven forbid she succumb to postpartum depression; no one wants a repeat of Tom’s Today Show crazy-fest.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Expecting – AP via Yahoo!

Related Post(s):
Tom & Katie: A Very Special Episode of ‘The Twilight Zone’
Five Reasons Tom Cruise is Dating Katie Holmes

The Money ‘Pitt’

October 3, 2005

Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston
The way we were

The Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt breakup saga continues to land in the shiny pages of tabloids ’round the world. This time the headline comes by way of real estate: The better-off-divorced couple has decided to put their Beverly Hills mansion on the market. For a mere $28 million, you, too can live the life of a celebrity couple whose seemingly perfect marriage is plagued by extramarital gawking and an aversion to childbirth. Nothing takes the pain away quite like a “screening room with 35mm equipment and black leather seats, Brazilian mahogany floors and an art studio with skylights.” Oh, to have lived the life of Hollywood royalty.

Pitt, Aniston selling $28 million estate – AP via MSNBC.com

Renovation Degeneration

October 1, 2005

Welcome to HellThe prospect of having anything new is fun and exciting to most. So, when MA’s landlord offered to remodel the kitchen of our small, two-bedroom New York apartment, we jumped at the chance to have the clean lines and grime-free floor a new cucina would afford.

Well, what was to have started two weeks ago started one week ago, and what was to have taken only one week to complete will now take two (at least). The incomprehensible, gut-wrenching stress this has caused is enough to make us wish we’d instead agreed to a Gigli/Showgirls double-feature.

At least we have a windowThat fan should come in handy when we start to hyperventilate

The living room no longer exists. The space has been overtaken by the unrealized superabundance of stuff we tend to collect when not paying attention, all of which has been pushed against a single wall and covered in heavy, clear plastic. It’s unusable, like some kind of tragic Christo creation sans the artistic flair and undue publicity.

Things we’re able to do: sleep, take a shower, go to the bathroom, blog.

Things we’re not able to do: watch TV, relax, prepare meals, live like human beings.

Kids, don’t try this at home.

Kermit & the Gang, Jim Henson's MuppetsAdmittedly, this is not Media Absurdum’s regular beat, but when an announcement evokes the saccharine memories of childhood edutainment, we pay attention.

As we wrestle with encroaching waves of mind-consuming nostalgia, we have just enough time to ecstatically announce the release of the first stamps ever to feature those wacky prime time puppets, Jim Henson’s Muppets. The colorful, fabric-skinned critters that taught you how to count, spell, and make sarcastic comments from the safety of second-tier box seats have been immortalized in the form of postage. We hope to brighten the day of many a surly bill collector by pressing one of these babies into the upper right corner of our past due payments. Happy philately!

Postal Service Unveils Muppets Stamp Set – Washington Post

Kate Moss, a.k.a. Cocaine Kate
Oops, I missed a line

By living in a cave, Media Absurdum has somehow managed to avoid reportage of any kind concerning the unveiling of model Kate Moss’s obsession with “happy dust.” Well, our pasty white skin has seen the light of day (ooh, it’s bright out here) and we’re ready to publish.

The sudden and very public exposure of Kate’s not-so-secret predilection has gotten her dropped by retailer H&M and booted by coat company Burberry. And British cosmetics company Rimmel has revealed its intention to “revisit” her contract. A public apology made by the 31-year-old model was welcomed by Coty Beauty, Rimmel’s parent company.

“We would like to express our support for all those who undertake the often difficult process of overcoming their problems.”

We remember when little Katie’s media-whoring ways were limited to posing nude and pregnant for Lucian Freud. Oh, how the never mighty have fallen.

Kind words give glimmer of hope to fallen supermodel Kate Moss – AFP via Yahoo!

Media Absurdum encourages you to explore Gawker’s complete coverage of Kate’s career suicide; it’s sarcastically delicious!

You Had Me at ‘Annulment’

September 17, 2005

Renee Zellweger & Kenny ChesneyAfter only four short months of marriage, squinty-eyed thespian Renee Zellweger and questionably popular country music star Kenny Chesney are calling it quits. Still reeling from the fact that the couple married after having known each other for only a few months, Media Absurdum is further flummoxed by the use of the term “fraud” in Zellweger’s petition for annulment. Here’s what the couple said in a joint statement to journalistic powerhouse Entertainment Tonight:

“Renee and Kenny value and respect each other and are saddened that their different objectives prevent the success of this marriage. They are disappointed that the legal term ‘annulment-fraud’ has been publicly misunderstood and exaggerated.”

Such a statement begs the question: Did the couple marry for love or business? A bachelor until the age of 37, Chesney may have had a bit of the ol’ “Tom Cruise syndrome.” (You know what we mean.)

Zellweger Asks for Privacy During Breakup – AP via Yahoo!