Box office heavyweight Tom Cruise is robbing the cradle: At age 26, new girlfriend Katie Holmes is 16 years his junior. Why the sudden interest in the twentysomething Dawson’s Creek alum? Media Absurdum brushed the dust off its thinking cap and came up with a few ideas:

1.) He wants to find out what James Van Der Beek is really like.

2.) Scientology demands the strict adherence to textbook examples of midlife crisis.

3.) He saw her boobies in The Gift.

4.) He unwittingly strayed from his plan to date only Latina actresses, confusing Holmes’ hometown of Toledo, Oh. with its Spanish counterpart.

5.) Cruise is 42 and worried the term “fag hag” will soon take on a literal meaning.

Read more about the budding romance.

American Idol judge Paula Abdul has been named as the pursuer of an affair with former Idol contestant Corey Clark, an allegation that will be explored in an upcoming edition of ABC News’ Primetime Live. The alleged pint-sized panderer isn’t amused by Clark’s accusation and her publicist has come forward in her defense:

“Paula Abdul will not dignify the false statements made by Corey Clark with a response. Mr. Clark is an admitted liar and opportunist who engages in unlawful activities. He is communicating lies about Paula Abdul in order to generate interest in a book deal.”

This sudden media attention appears opportunistic: Both Idol and the upcoming Primetime Live report, set to “explore explosive claims about behind-the-scenes activities,” are seeking to draw the much-desired attention of viewers during May sweeps. It’s common knowledge that FOX will do just about anything for ratings; ABC must have run out of Desperate Housewives-related programming.

Paula Abdul Dismisses Claims Of Affair By ‘Idol’ Contestant
– TheChamplainChannel.com

Related Post(s):
Paula Abdul Too Busy Contributing Obsequious Commentary to Stop for Accident

Television host and self-confessed alcoholic Pat O’Brien is reportedly clean and sober. The Insider emcee checked out of rehab on Sunday, completing the 28-day program required to revisit sobriety. O’Brien is set to return to work on May 5th, the day many female coworkers will be mysteriously absent.

O’Brien on Comeback Trail?
– E! News

Related Post(s):
Whitney Pulls Hat Trick, Becomes Third Celebrity to Enter Rehab
Follow Up: O’Brien Rehab a Cover-Up?
Celebrity Gossip-Mongering Begets Alcoholism

Emily Wiest, the 17-year-old daughter of two-time Academy Award winner Dianne Wiest, has been charged with second-degree robbery after she and two of her classmates allegedly battered a male student, stealing his iPod and a pair of glasses in the process. The three teenagers – all students of The Beekman School on Manhattan’s East Side – were arrested and held overnight in a midtown precinct.

A fellow student had this to say about Ms. Wiest’s behavior:

“I know her. She wouldn’t do anything like that,” said the classmate, who did not wish to be identified. “She’s not the nicest person but she wouldn’t beat up someone smaller than her.”

As if the young man’s ego hadn’t been bruised enough in the attack, the classmate backed up her statement by stating that the victim “is pretty scrawny and she wouldn’t have hurt him.”

Perhaps Emily had been wronged in a previous life and was just looking for a little East Side justice.

Rob rap for movie star’s kin – New York Daily News

Donatella Versace has a confession to make: The 50-year-old fashion designer has been addicted to cocaine for the past 18 years. Color us less than surprised. Anyone blessed with the gift of vision could have seen this one coming. What makes it interesting, however, is the pairing of piano man and confidant Elton John with the fashionista’s 18-year-old daughter and the means by which they addressed the problem. It seems the dynamic duo saw fit to turn Donatella Jr.’s birthday fete into a makeshift intervention. One can only assume the candles weren’t the only thing blown out at that party.

Versace admits cocaine addiction
– ninemsn

Slums of Beverly Hills actress Natasha Lyonne has been issued an arrest warrant after her poorly timed appearance in a New York court Monday. Lyonne has been charged with criminal mischief, harassment and trespass stemming from an incident in which she allegedly entered a neighbor’s apartment, tore a mirror off the wall and at one point stated, “I’m going to sexually molest your dog.” Lyonne did little to help her case, showing up to court an hour late and promptly leaving only a half an hour later.

The American Pie star’s erratic courtroom behavior is less than shocking considering her tumultuous history with authority:

It is not the first time Lyonne has been in trouble. In 2001, she lost control of her car while driving drunk, pleaded guilty, and was sentenced to six months probation.

No word yet as to whether or not Ms. Lyonne subscribes to the Winona Ryder method for role research.

Arrest warrant for ‘Pie’ actress – CNN.com

Skank In, Skank Out

April 17, 2005

The Simple Life is getting a bit more complicated. Once a televised showcase of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie’s friendship, the show is now up for retooling as the two stars are reportedly on the outs. Paris already has her eye on gal pal and fellow silver spooner Kimberly Stewart as a possible replacement for Nicole. Producers are wisely keeping their mouths shut about the shakeup. However, all is not lost should Ms. Richie be dropped from the series; she could have a show of her own. The future wife of DJ Adam Goldstein is hoping the reality of their prenuptial life is as lucrative as The Simple Life.

Paris makes ‘Simple’ play to oust Nicole
– Boston Herald