February 25, 2005
Current media sentiment suggests that Sunday night’s Oscar telecast will be nothing short of a snooze-fest. Well, we thought we’d share some of our ideas on how one can battle the instantaneous onset of narcolepsy caused by the broadcast of America’s most exclusive mutual admiration society.
1. Mock the actors. They get awards for saying words and looking pretty (or frighteningly ugly). We do that everyday. Where’s our Oscar?
2. Drink… heavily. Have a shot of tequila every time one of the presenters misreads the teleprompter, an acceptance speech is cut short, or Chris Rock insults a white person. Is Jose Cuervo available in a ten-gallon drum?
3. Make up your own acceptance speech. If a nominee you don’t particularly care for receives an award, pretend to accept it on his or her behalf and invent an amusing excuse as to why they didn’t bother to show up. (e.g. I would like to accept this award on behalf of Ms. Swank. She couldn’t be here tonight as she is currently undergoing a series of time-sensitive hormone injections she feels are vital to the portrayal of an actress willing to do anything for Academy recognition.)
4. Watch scrambled porn. Flip back and forth between the live telecast and your favorite quasi-viewable X-rated channel. Go ahead, make the Oscars sexy.
Media Absurdum assumes no responsibility for the loss of relationships and/or employment.